dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
