it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
