Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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