Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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