I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
