So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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