i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
