So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
