I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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