i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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