I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
