Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
