if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I pour the whiskey from now on
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
