ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
