A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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