you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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