Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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