HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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