I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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