Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
