I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
