I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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