I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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