At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
