I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
