New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
