Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
