That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
