Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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