some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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