I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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