I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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