Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just took my morning after pill in the library
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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