I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
