Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just cropdusted the office
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
