I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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