He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
