I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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