Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
