i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
