I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
a search helicopter?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
