When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
