Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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