Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
