I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
