She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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