Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
it's like heaven, but drunker
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
