Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
