I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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