seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
did you just send me my own nude
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
