can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
