I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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