so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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