So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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