I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
