If that was your dad, he is hot
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My dick has a subreddit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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