Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize