Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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