He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
